Kärlek är det enda som blir större när man slösar med det

Namastey!


Kan inte låta bli att försöka hålla "indiern i mig" vid liv (haha jo det kan ju tolkas fel ;)

...och försöka minnas den långa resan jag gjort... Lättare sagt än gjort! Tiden går så ruskigt snabbt, veckorna flyger förbi, och vips är man tillbaka i det gamla vanliga. Jag önskar att jag kunde kalla det vardagslunk men ack nej! Här har jag tagit det lugnt och fint i ett halvår, taggat ner och lugnat mina nerver, shanti shanti oooowmmmm.... Och pang! boom! så är man tillbaka i sina gamla mönster.

Vadå inte stressa? vadå inte alltid småspringa till föreläsningen? Vadå att inte kasta i sig ett par koppar kaffe och tugga i sig en macka på stående fot? Vadå inte alltid känna att man ska vara så duktig och försöka svara rätt på handledarnas frågor? Vadå att ta ner kraven på sig själv? Vadå att säga till sig själv - Älskade du, du är bra som du är och du måste inte försöka leva upp till alla ideal....

Det är verkligen en utmaning att ta tillvara på sig själv i den miljön jag lever i, och jag är högst medveten om att jag inte är speciellt duktig på just det. Har svårt att säga nej, har svårt att sätta mina behov först och får så sanslöst mycket skuldkänslor ifall jag skulle göra någon besviken.

Det är då man säger - Nu går jag hem! Och så går man hem, sätter på lite mjuk shantishanti-musik, tänder en rökelse, lägger sig på spikmattan och letar upp det där inre lugnet, den inre kärleken. :)

Jag tror inte jag är ensam om att känna så här, kanske är det läkarstudentens eviga dilemma - hur ska man balansera sitt liv så att man gör LAGOM? Hur mycket ska man plugga, hur mycket ska man visa framfötterna på kliniken, hur många studentorganisationer ska man engagera sig i, hur många spex ska man gå med i, hur mycket ska man träna, hur mycket ska man festa, hur spontan ska man vara, hur mycket kraft och engagemang ska man lägga ner på att finnas till för andra?

Jag har ju som sagt aldrig varit bra på att sätta dessa gränser för mig själv, men jobbar aktivt med det. För jag är övertygad att om man ska klara en sådan utbildning som läkarutbildningen (med allt vad det innebär) med hälsan i behåll så måste man ta hand om sig själv...(!)

Det är så lätt att fastna i alla dessa "måsten". Så ska man göra, så ska man inte göra. Jag måste göra det o det o det o det. så snart som möjligt, helst igår! Och jag måste göra som han och hon och de vill, för det är det som förväntas av mig. Men stopp och belägg! För VEM gör man alla dessa saker? Vem kommer att tacka en för att man lägger sig själv åt sidan? Vem hjälper man? Kan det vara så att man stjälper andra genom att vara så "duktig"? Kan det vara så att man gör andra en otjänst genom att alltid finnas tillgänglig och inte sätta gränser för sig själv?

Jag har tidigare, särskilt på tidigare terminer, fått höra "hur hinner du göra allting, hur orkar du"? Och jag har sagt "Äsch, det är inga problem"! (Nu för tiden låter det nog snarare såhär "åååå gud jag har så mycket att göra jag orkar inte!) Och vem vet då hur mycket man inte själv har bidragit till detta läkarstudent-syndromet "jag ska göra allt och lite till!"...

Men men vad jag vill komma till är att det är viktigt att försöka lyssna till sig själv, sätta gränser för sig själv, och att även vara öppen för att andra inte alltid gör som man själv gör.. Och att det alltid alltid måst vara okej för människor att sätta gränser för sig själva, att få lov att känna det man känner, och att inte bli skuldbelagda ifall de inte hinner/orkar göra det man tycker de ska göra. Det är framför allt viktigt i ex en frivilligorganisation, att man inte pressar varandra, och stöttar varandra, och det har jag alltid känt i MSF vilket jag är otroligt glad för! Det har snarare varit så att de har sagt "Nej lexandra, nu får du inte ta på dig mer!" ;)

Apropå att visa omtanke och kärlek för varandra så har jag ju nyligen fyllt 25 år, men orkade inte/hade inte tid/plats till att ha en fest för alla mina vänner, vilket kändes lite tråkigt... Men i lördags fick jag en underbar present - när jag kom hem blev jag överraskad av min pojkvän och en massa vänner som hade planerat o fixat bakom min rygg i flera veckor! Jag hade ingen som helst aning, fick en ögonbindel med beskrivningen att vi skulle ha "en romantisk kväll" och när ögonbindeln åker av hoppar ett tjugotal vänner helt plötsligt fram och kastar ballonger över mig! Hela kvällen var fantastisk och jag fick en så otroligt varm känsla inom mig... det är sant som Richard Huch sa: Kärlek är det enda som blir större när man slösar med det!

Borta bra men hemma bäst! (?)

This is my last blog update in English... My trip is over and it's time to go back to my "ordinary" life in Sweden (which of course isn't so bad after all :) and now it is much more convenient to write in Swedish since that is the language in which I think, talk and socialize back home... (however, if you my dear fellow volunteers want to continue reading this blog you can always put the text in google translate and you'll get the big picture :)

The last month of my trip was really exciting. Before leaving India I stayed in an ashram (Sivananda ashram in Neyyar dam) and I really enjoyed my stay there. We had 4 hours of yoga class everyday which was really beneficial, and the food was great. However, I found it a bit hard to endure the classes and talks about the gods, the chakras, etc etc and it was really hard for me not being my own master and decide for myself when to get up in the morning and when to go to sleep. But I can strongly recommend going there for a week if you are in Kerala!'

After one more week in Varkala, the lovely beach place in kerala, I went to Thailand were I met up with my dear Erik (after 3 months apart!). We went directly to an island in South of Thailand - Ko Lipe - and we ended up staying there for 2 weeks :) It is really a great little island with stunning beaches and nice restaurants and really good thai massages. A paradise for the two of us!

After that we went to Ko Samui (!) not for partying but for a silent meditation retreat that lasted 7 days. That, my dear friends, was the toughest part of my trip since Kolkata! Stuck in this retreat center, quite a small area with absolutely nothing to do during free time, in silence, for 7 days.... Everyday you had to get up at 4.30 in the morning to go to the meditation hall for a session of sitting meditation. Thereafter we had one hour yoga, which was a real  blessing for me who wants to move and not sit all day ;)

Then breakfast, then some chores (i used to sweep the dorm) and rest, before the day's dharma talk and sitting meditation, walking meditation, sitting meditation, walking meditation, sitting meditation, standing meditation etc etc etc through out the day (in between we had lunch and chanting) and at 9.30 in the evening it was time to go to bed (which was really just a bed, no mattresses!) ... We were never able to talk, and it was really hard for me not to talk to Erik, not to touch him, not to get eye contact with him, during a whole week in silence... I wish I at least had some peace in mind because of the beauty all around (it was indeed a very beautiful place!) but the dharma talks disturbed me and I found it hard to focus.

If you have meditated before and want to deepen your practice, I could recommend going to this place. However, if you want to learn to meditate for the first time I wouldn't recommend the Theravada tradition which they have in Thailand... There are many other retreats, in Europe for example, where they practice zen or mahayana tradition, and at least I think that will suit me better.

After the retreat we went to an island in the Trang province called Ko Nghai, which was also highly recommendable! We celebrated a humble new years eve there before going back to Bangkok for some shopping and then finally we went back home.

Now I am back at the University, getting ready to continue my third year in Med School, and this is my first semester with clinical work! I am a bit nervous since I didn't study medicine for almost a year now, but I guess it will all come back to me pretty fast once I get started with the studies again.

In Sweden we have a saying Borta bra men hemma bäst which basically means "being away is good, but it's better to be home" ... well, we'll see! :)

The mother and the baby

The burning sun is setting over the vast sea, a never-ending ocean that seems to stretch out into eternity. Flaming rays of sun turn Varkala's red cliffs into red gold, and even the usually transparent air seems to glow. Slowly all changes and the colours turn into cold shades of blue and silver, just before the sun is well settled and the night sweeps in like a black velvet curtain.

Suddenly a small light starts twinkling far away, and then another one, and then one more, until a whole city is born in the horizon. A proper city, with small and large buildings, towers and churches, and even a couple of well-lit bridges. With a little imagination, it's not hard to see it's people strolling by the shore, talking and whispering, laughing and crying, eating and praying.

One of the small twinkling lights of this city belongs to a writer's house. The young writer herself is seated by her desk, working on her latest novel. She is quite satisfied with it, but she just can't give it the final touch - How do you create that kind of ending that will make it all make sense and will leave the reader with a feeling of completeness? Her mind seems completely blank and her pen stubbornly remains passively still. Suddenly a cry cuts the silence and the young writer smiles and leaves her pen and paper, letting them rest until the next day - her baby has awakened.

Zooming out from the tiny family, leaving the house and the city with it's twinkling lights, I return to reality and remember those hard-working fishermen who are currently out there in the real life fishing all night. Soon they will return back home, home to the sweet caress of both their women in colorful saris and their strong homemade liquor! Making my city disappear once again and the mother and her baby will be reduced to nothing but a memory in my private dream, leaving only a slight fragrance of ink and paper in my mind...

Why have reality when you can live in a dream?

In a place like Varkala it is easy to forget "the real life". Still it will come haunt you sooner and later, and I guess all you can do is to be brave and strong and turn around to face it!

Jaya ganesha, jaya ganesha, jaya ganesha rakshamam

Finally, I have almost succeeded in getting the songs of the ashram out of my head... But only almost! Feel just a little bit brain washed ;)

I do actually miss the ashram a little bit. It was nice to have yoga classes for 4 hours per day and the food in the ashram was really healthy and tasty. And for a choir singer like me it was (occasionally) nice to sing all together, even though the leaders were not the best singers and it more often than seldom sounded pretty false. Well well.

In a couple of days I will leave India. It feels very weird leaving this place now, after such a long time, and in some ways I will miss it (for sure!). I think most of all I will miss meeting all these incredibly interesting people! Wherever you go in India you find these originals, these open-minded and free spirits, who just wont confine themselves into living ordinary lives. It is really very refreshing, even though I many times discover myself thinking "this person is a little bit freaky" ;)

But I shouldn't complain about leaving India, because now it's time for Thailand! Finally after three months I will meet Erik and we will have another month together travelling. Not too bad!

Hopefully no cyclone, tidal wave or volcano will stop me this time...

Om namo narayanaya!

Om nao narayanaya, the universal prayer for peace, both inside yourself and in the world.

Kind of impossible not to be moved by the messages of the Ashram!

After eight days of constant chanting and meditating and yoga, I am back in Varkala. I really enjoyed my stay in the ashram, however I am very happy to be "free" again! It is kind of hard for a bitten atheist like me to be in such a religious environment for such a long time. I was supposed to stay 2 weeks, but after one week I had enough and I left before I would actually start to not enjoy the place.

I met loads of nice people there, one of them is the english girl Amelia. We left the Ashram together, and decided to share accomodation during the rest of our stay in Varkala. Not that it is expensive, we pay 150 rupees/3 euros each per night! She is really such a darling, and we spend a lot of time together. Still I need some quality time by myself of course, but we always do things separate during the days so that is not a problem!  However, constantly spending time with an english girl doesn't make it easier for me to get back to swedish again. Everything I do, everything I say and think and dream, is in english! When I write in Swedish (like mail or diary) I have to translate from english to swedish. Kind of weird... Well, I guess it's not a big problem :)

So far we have been spending time on the beach and in the various cafes in Varkala, and we have seen dolphins swimming in the early morning! We are also enjoying having hot showers (for the first time in months I can actually have a hot shower (hot water bucket) every morning if I'd like to!).

Well well now it's dinner time.

Tomorrow I will try to be a little cultural and actually go visit the 2000 year old temple here in varkala!

Om namo narayanaya

Backwaters

I just came back from the stunning beautiful backwaters of Kerala (I did a cruise for 8 hours) and it was really an interesting experience. First of all on the boat from Kollam I suddenly hear "Aaaleeex!" and when I look up it's one girl I met in Varkala a couple of days ago. I thought she went the opposite way, but she had decided to change her plans and went to Allepey instead. The boat trip was a very slow but nice experience, the top things were when a little toddler started to play with me, and finally ended up in my knee for half an hour (you all know how much I love kids! Especially this kind - happy, laughing, smiling, cuddling, chubby baby :) and of course the sunset. It was the most amazing sunset I've seen in my whole life, the colors were stunning! Bright red, deep blue, golden yellow... Lovely.

Finally in Allepey I decided to go with some German guys (really nice young guys who just finished high school and are now working in an Indian school in the countryside, as volunteers, for a year) and we went to find a cheap and nice hotel. We got a place for 150 Rs only, which is like not even 3 euros per night for a double room... However, the room and the sheets were dirty (but they changed them, luckily) and there was no mosquito net. The place is run by some Indian youngsters, and it really needs the touch of a woman's hand erhmm..... or at least a mother who can pinch their ears! All they seem to do is trying to get people to come, and then smoke marijuana all day/night long. It was still a nice stay though, and I met some interesting people. I was pretty happy to go back to Varkala today though :)

I start to get to know quite lot of people here in Varkala now, every where I go I bump in to someone I know and who invites me for a drink or similar. It is really nice! You are never alone while traveling, actually you must fight for some alone time sometimes!

Hope all is well at home, now I have a couple of days left in Varkala before I go to the ashram.

Feeling hot, hot, hot!

When I woke up this morning there was a palpable difference in the temperature - the last days it has been raining and thereby a lower temperature, but today the sun is sailing the blue sky without any clouds to accompany her... And now it's hot hot hot! I will go down to the beach, just had to send some e-mails to book my hotel in Allepey..

The plan is to go to Kollam to take a ferry through the beautiful backwaters of Kerala, arrive in Allepey in the evening and stay in a nice hotel before heading back to Varkala by train the next day. I think this is just as much as I feel for traveling in Kerala now :) If I wouldn't go to the Ashram, there are so many places that I would like to visit. Like Hampi, Munnar, Periyar... But since going to the Yoga Ashram is one of my main goals with this trip I will stick to my plan.

The last days it has been raining, but I still went to the beach, and I have been hanging out with some other back packers. It is really nice and relaxing to be here in Varkala, and slowly slowly now I'm starting to wind down...

Every day you get amazed by the stunning beauty - the ocean, the cliffs, the palm trees... Every day on the beach I walk out until the water reaches me up to my waist. Then I just stand there, admiring the powerful waves, how they roll in from the ocean and break into tides, turning the water into bubbles and froth, feeling like I am standing in the middle of a huge jacuzzi!

One must be careful though, the under current is really strong and you can feel how it pulls your legs, pleading you to come with out in the vast sea. It is indeed very mighty and powerful, and every year loads of people get dragged out and drown. Luckily there are plenty of life guards at the beach, blowing their whistles as soon as they find that some one is too far out. We have been speculating, though, if theese guys really would try to do anything if someone actually got into trouble - they seem pretty lazy and ignorant. But hopefully they have a system so they know what to do when someone needs their help.

Another thing that is potentially dangerous here is the Dengue fever. It's a virus that is transmitted by a certain type of mosquito which bites during dusk and dawn. If you get the Dengue, you get very sick, with symptoms similar to malaria. However, you can't vaccinate against it and you wont acquire immunity - instead you run a very dangerous race if you stay in this part of the world since Dengue gets more aggravated every time you get it, and it might lead to death :/ 

Well well.

Miss you all, both volunteers in Kolkata and all you people, my dear dear friends and family back home.

I can't wait now to go to Thailand and finally meet up with Erik...! :)

How long are you staying?

The constant question from all people I meet. If I then answer "Maybe a week or two", they would say "Oh really, so long?!"... Hmmm.... However, I know that there are people here that stay longer, some even for a month or two. The thing about Varkala is that there is absolutely nothing to do here, except going to the beach! Today I took a day off from the beach, and went for a long walk in the morning (which was nice, there is a walking path just by the sea) and then I strolled around among the shops (which is less fun since they all get so disappointed when you don't buy anything).

Before lunch I went for a massage - the most oily and intimate massage in my whole life! She literally poured olive oil all over me, over my head, face, body, everywhere! And then she rubbed it in in the most intimate way I experienced (I had to get ALL my clothes off, which was a little bit uncomfortable in the beginning but soon I forgot about it). I must say that it was an hour of relaxation, it really wasn't bad, but I wouldn't call it massage (I actually had more back pain afterward then before since I had to lay down on a hard bench).

After the massage I went to a Tibetan restaurant - most people who work here are Nepalese or Tibetan - and had some great momos. I really enjoy trying a new dish every day, and most of the time I am not disappointed.

I must also say that if you take the time to talk with the vendors in the street for a little while, you find out that some of them are really nice! So far I met two female shop owners from Karnataka (north of Kerala) that are very kind and interested even if you don't buy anything from their shop, and three restaurant waiters (one from Darjeeling and two from Varkala proper) who are really chatty and really interested to know more about you and your life. If you just go with the flow (and not do as I often do, rush past them and hurry through the conversation) and relax, it can be quite an interesting and giving little chat. You just have to get used to their sometimes intimate questions (such as religion, money, house, social status etc ).

There are also some vendors that are not quite so nice though. Several times they tried to convince me and basically shame me into buying their products. "If you don't buy anything from our shop we wont survive!" several women exclaimed. I try to politely tell them that I neither need nor have space in my bag for more stuff, but they just continue: "you can send the things home with the post, it's very cheap, buy some of our stuff!". If you continue to refuse, they will say "okay, you come back later, another time, and buy from my shop". And next time you pass them they will say: "You promised to come back and have a look, now come buy!"

Haha well well, what to do, nothing but laughing ;)
(and there's no need for getting bad conscience because very very soon the high season will start and the place will be heaped with all the tourists who will stay in India just for a week or two and will love to buy things from their shop :)

I am not really sure what to do now, it's raining outside so no beach (and I am way to red from sun worshiping already... But wait a minute! This is why I came here, no? To do nothing? To just read books, listen to audio books and pod casts, and relax. It is really so hard to remember that I should do nothing, since I am so used to always do SOMETHING.

So now, I am going to go and do nothing!

:)

Namastey Varkala!

Can it be true?

I was expecting my flight to be delayed, but it was on time. I expected my connecting flight to be stressful, but I had all the time in the world. I was sure that my luggage would get lost somewhere on the way, but it was one of the first bags that arrived on the band. And I was certain that the pick-up at the airport wouldn't find me, or wouldn't arrive, but he was there waiting for me with my name written on a piece of paper. I expected the streets to be bumpy and dirty, but they were well maintained and had proper shops on their sides. I expected the hotel to be small, dirty and stinky, but it turned out to be super clean and the owner is super nice. I expected the beach to be dirty and over crowded, but it was clean and pretty spacious. And finally I expected it to be way too hot and humid, but it is just hot and nice during the day and perfect with cool breezes during night!

What a bliss!

I almost started crying arriving in Varkala, and it's not until now that I understand how shaken and slightly traumatized I got in Kolkata... I was thinking of staying here in Varkala by the beach a couple of days before moving on with my trip, but I just realized that it is SO NICE to be here, and I really need to wind down and relax a bit... So maybe maybe I'll sty here all the way until I go for my Ashram Yoga retreat? Hmm we'll see...

Also I must say that my first day in Varkala (yesterday) really was brightened by a new friend I met on the beach (Stephen) who unfortunately had to go to Mumbai this morning. He showed me a place to have great chicken momos and  really good sea food, and told me a little about the places in Kerala worth seeing, which was very nice for me who was newly arrived. However, I am sure I'll be fine now with my books and my mp3-player (I have all these podcasts with Thich Nhat Hanh that I still didn't finish for example) and also I have my yoga (my hotel has the perfect roof for yoga in the morning!!!)

There are only two major drawbacks with Varkala.

The first one is all the shop owners here, there are so many many many shops (with many many colours!) and all of them have their owners outside the shop saying - Hello! Hello! come inside, looking, please just look, very nice things, very good price, please come.... after politely saying No about twenty times you end up feeling a bit jiggered, and just the thought of walking back (I live on one side of the beach and the beach is on the other side) makes you exhausted. However, today I took some time to actually talk to the shop owners who approached me, trying to explain to them that I am not interested in buying their stuff since I can't carry it around on my back while travelling. Some of them understood and became more friendly and we had a got chat, some just got angry.

The second drawback is that there are no locals here, only tourist and shop/restaurant owners. One thing that was good with my work in Kolkata, and something that makes me feel very privileged, was the fact that I was working with local on daily basis. You get to see the real India when you live among the locals, and this place (even though it's a really nice place) is just artificial.


Well well... Enough complaining for today :) I am really really glad to be here, and I'll try to find some massage treatments and excursions to do while I am here. Now it's beach time!

I'll keep on giving you updates of course - luckily there are internet cafes even here in Varkala (I must say it feels so strange being surrounded by tourists all the time - this world is so very very different from the India I know).

Namastey Varkala!

Tata Kolkata!

Tata Kolkata - bye bye Calcutta!

Today is my last day in Kolkata... Such a strange feeling! How could time pass so quickly?

But now, finally, I am on holiday. I am just doing a quick stopping by the clinic to give some thank-you-and-goodbye-gifts and to return my SIM-card (yep, from now on I will only use the Swedish number again!).

My last working day was in Dhaki, which meant 3 hours (one way) of sitting in the car and 1 hour of work... Well well it was a good last day and I got to have my favorite breakfast (poroda/paratha with chickpea soup and omelett with a cup of chai tea). Yesterday I went to see the historical sights of Kolkata that I yet didn't see and in the evening we had a big dinner with all the volunteers. Soooo much food! And since almost everyone around me spoke Italian with each other, I ended up eating constantly... erhm well well.

We had a very severe case in the Indoor clinic the other day. A pretty girl with paralyzed legs since she was 5 years old had got severe diarrhea and fever. She was in a very bad shape, and on her buttocks she had a bid wound from sitting constantly in a rough and hard wheel chair. Most probably this huge wound was infected and now she had sepsis! Finally they transferred her to a big hospital - the Indoor Clinic really doesn't have the ability to take care of severe cases like this.

It's incredible all the things I have seen here, so much scary things and severe infections in patients, I haven't told you more than one percentage of what I have seen. Now it's time to go and take care of my self instead of others, and meanwhile I am going to try to digest all this. I really look forward to get some space and quality time with myself now, and to be able to relax a bit. (Even though the work is not stressful the environment in Kolkata is very stressful and it is impossible to relax).

I wont be able to write as often now since I will go to a remote beach and later on to the Ashram for 2 weeks. But I'll try to keep you updated somehow :)

Tata!

Malaria falciparum!

No, dear reader, I don't have malaria (!) but today I went to one of the "proper" hospitals in Kolkata and there I observed a malaria patient. The patient was not in a very bad shape, but had petechial spots all over his body and his spleen and liver was enlarged.

It's not so much about seeing a malaria patient, but more to see that in fact there are cases of malaria in Kolkata and it's not very uncommon! So right now, I'm pretty happy I decided to take the best anti-malaria drugs available on the market. I have sooooo many mosquito bites - and just as many "other" bites that I don't know where they come from (bed bugs?) but they hurt and itch like hell anyway... And the mosquitoes are so aggressive here! Even though I put mosquito repellent and stay in proximity of fans all the time I get bitten :( 

Well well. I went to the hospital together with one of the other volunteers to see what a normal indian hospital looked like. It reminded me about the hospital in Colombo, Sri Lanka, which basically means a very spartan, dirty and worn out place with wards containing 30-40 beds each with no privacy among the patients. The doctors were however very nice and friendly.

One of the patients in the pediatric ward had been in a motor cycle accident, and she had several fractures and was badly burned all over her chest. A terrible sight, poor little girl! Then it reminds you that even though we might be way to over-protective and security manic about the children in Sweden, there is still a point why we have rules and regulations for example how to ride on a bike with a child in the back. In Sweden you have to have a proper child seat securely attached to the bike, and it is mandatory that the child wears a helmet. Here in India I have several times seen kids being transported haphazardly in it's father's or mother's lap on motor cycles, and the other day a father came riding the bike and his tiny little son was standing on it and holding him from behind, no helmet and no seat...!

Well well.

Only 4 days remain now before I leave Kolkata. Feels so strange, time went so quickly....!!! But I really look forward to go to my new "home away from home" - Varkala in Kerala :)

Take care!

Don't you have anything good to say about a person? Then please, shut up!

I find it very interesting that people from different countries and different continents can be so different from each other (culture, religion, social views) but still so alike on the same time. Something that I find odd is the habit of trying to connect to people by talking down on other people, which seems to be practiced everywhere in the world?

No matter what country, culture or religion we belong to we all share a common goal - we all want to be happy in our lives. All living beings are in some way striving for happiness, and everyone has their own way in doing so. However, many people try so hard to find happiness but never succeed to get there. Maybe they think that if they just earned a little bit more money, if they just had a better car, nicer house, more handsome husband or beautiful wife, more expensive clothes etc etc. They will become happy. Some people think if they work just a little bit harder, was more useful, got more appreciation from their boss and colleagues, they could justify their right to live and find happiness.

However, happiness comes from inside, and an happiness that depends on these outer conditions is very fragile. Still most people I know and have met during my travels do this, myself often included.

Somehow believing that these outer conditions will make us happy is not a very weird thing, it kind of makes sense since it makes us feel better at least temporarily. What is weird though is once again this way we try to connect to people.

When people feel a little bit insecure, and maybe lonely, there is a tendency to try to connect to other people. This in order to feel accepted and to feel that you are not alone and you have an understanding with other people. (The human nature is really a herd creature, trying to find it's place in a group setting!)

So why do we (I say we because I have experienced this tendency with all kinds of nationalities and religious beliefs around the world SO FAR) try to connect to people by talking down on other people? Sitting with someone and share an understanding about someone else, like "he is so fat, he must be such a lazy and stupid person" or "did you see what horrible clothes she is wearing today" or "can you believe she said such silly things and asked all those stupid questions?" or "he is just so annoying, he never does anything right" etc etc. By saying these things and together get the understanding that "we" are better than this person, and "we" share this thing together, we get an illusion of being connected to people.

But I truly believe that when we do this, for the first little moment we fool our selves to actually feel more connected, but the very next moment (and then from there on, cause the damage has already been done and the harmful things you said cannot be taken back) you will feel even more disconnected! Because talking down on other people first of all makes you feel like a bad person since you said some mean things about another person. Second of all, you feel like "if I talk down on other people, maybe others are talking down on me too", which will definitely put you out of ease and make you start worrying that other people will mock you behind your back.

All in all, you end up being more disconnected than before. And it all started with you trying to feel more connected and happy! The human being is really not very clever sometimes.

I must add that me, myself, I also have done this several times in my life, and every time I must honestly say that I hated myself for it afterward. It is just so counterproductive and mean, and I really don't want to be that kind of person - I want to feel that I am a good person that people know they can trust, and I never want to harm any other being.

Because of this I made myself a promise - try to never talk about people in a negative way (this one is hard if you are very frustrated and annoyed with someone, in such case the conversation should be about one's own feelings like "I feel so frustrated when people don't look at things the way I do" or "when he does that I feel very sad and angry, and these feelings are hard for me to handle") and my golden rule: never say anything about a person that you wouldn't say to their face. 

So if you don't have anything good to say about a person - please shut up.

:)

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...

This is what I have to do in order to cope. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.


Otherwise I would go crazy here! Every day is so ery very inefficient. You see all these things in the clinic that could be done differently, definitely better, if the system wasn't just so very rigid and people so stuck in their habits. This organization is so very very disorganized...

Every week we (the volunteers) try to organise among our selves so we all have meaningful things to do. But every week, from one day to the other, they change the plans and they tell us the evening before (if we are lucky.) This afternoon they come to me and say ' oh by the way, tomorrow 6 volunteers must go there and 4 volunteers there and 2 volunteers there... and so many people already made other plans (including myself...) sigh!!!

Anyhow, work continues as usual.

Today in the outdoor cinic we got (among all the norma patients) a poor woman who is badly badly burned all over her body. Appareantly she tried to commit suicide (!) but failed, and was sent to hospital. However, after a couple of days in the hospital her family could no longer afford to keep her in hospital and she was sent home - really not fit for it at all!!! So inhumane...


Therefor she was taken by her mother to our outdoor clinic, since they only pay a small small fee for our services, and she was taken to our indoor clinic. She will stay here for a couple of weeks, get proper food and care (well at least I hope it is proper care, however I've heard that you shouldn0t apply any kind of ointment on to a burned patient, but here they put 2 different kinds of cream, one of them silver I think....)

But it0s really a terrible story and unfortunately not an out of the ordinary one (!)

well well, now time for a lecture by our Dr Sujit at the university. Will be interesting!

Kolkata, India

After some consideration I decided to start writing in English. Mostly because everything I do here, and all the people I hang out with, is expressed in English, and I find it so difficult to change to Swedish when I write about all the things I experience every day... (and also that the Swedish letters don't exist here).

Anyhow, the last days have (once again) been quite overwhelming.

It all started the day before yesterday when we went to see a Bollywood movie - it was all in hindi and I must say it is amazing how much you get of the movie even though you can't understand a word! It was really really funny, and the dancing was good (but I was a bit disappointed since there were only three songs/dances and I expected a lot more).

Then yesterday I went together with the other volunteers to the Indoor clinic as usual. We were approximately 9 persons who were ready to go work in the outdoor clinic - when they come and say "o nonono, only 2 volunteers can come with us today". This place is so incredibly disorganized! If we had known, some of us could have taken the day off or plan to do something else. Instead people just had to hang around at the Indoor clinic without having anything to do...

Anyhow I went with a new finnish girl to the outdoor clinic in Keadah, which was a very rural remote place in the countryside without electricity. It was extremely hot and the air stood totally still - luckily we didn't have too many patients and we could go home after 2 hours of work. The work was just as usual to give injections, make dressings to wounds and skin infections and to measure blood pressure.

In the evening we decided to go out clubbing, since the care taker was out of the house (and when he is home we always have to be back in the house before 11 pm). We first tried to find this good restaurant described in my Rough Guide, but after one hour of searching we gave up (I really wanted to have some good bengali cuisine!). We had dinner in another restaurant which was OK and then we went to South City Mall for a disco - they had danceable music and great drinks so we had a lot of fun. Almost all the volunteers came so we were approximately 20 people dancing together trying to do Bollywood dancing moves and just having fun :)

The night ended a bit less good though. First of all they charged some of the drinks double, and some people started to argue with the bartender (also they closed the club at 00.30 am, really early). Second was that we all started to walk home together. Since the night air was fresh and none of us were tired we decided to walk home (it takes 20 minutes)... Which all was fine until we started to encounter a lot of dogs. In the beginning there were only small groups of dogs and we were not so scared - we just stuck together in the group and didn't show the dogs that we payed them any intention. However, 5 minutes before reaching home the number of dogs multiplied and they became more and more aggressive! We stayed together in the group and Johnny (a huge guy from Kanada, really strong and protective) told us to not look at them, stay calm and just keep on walking - don't run! But the futher we walked the more dogs there were and they were all barking and aggressive. I counted maybe up to 20 dogs in front of us, and Johnny said there were about 20-30 dogs behind us. "don't panic!" johnny said, but I was sooooo scared. I held Francinses hand as tight as I could and we all walked really close together. By the road we noticed large sticks which we could use as weapons if the dogs attacked... Luckily we never needed to use them!!! We were lucky enough to turn right, and we were home, safe away from the dogs. We were all shaking and my heartbeat was well over hundred. Scary!

To explain I must tell that there are many stories of people getting attacked by stray dogs in the middle of the night. During the day they are harmless, but during night they gather together in groups and become very aggressive and territorial thinking, and they attack any strangers coming in their way. Some people get really badly bitten by them, ending up i hospital. A friend of mine went out just her and one other guy, and they had to use sticks to defend themselves only to a small group of dogs (and we had around 40-50 dogs surrounding us)...

Phuuu.... So what did I learn? Don't walk in the streets of India by night, not even if you are in a group and feel safe.

Finally today I went with my friend (volunteer) Anna to visit an Indian couple. We just met them in the street (first Anna when she was looking for the way to the mall and then me when the couple was looking for Anna) and they wanted us to come have lunch with them. So today we went at noon to their house, they lived with the wife's mother in a 3 room apartment, and they were so kind and friendly. However, it is really interesting to notice the big big difference in culture. They let us first in to sit in their bedroom on their bed (it seems that they thought it was the fanciest place in their apartment) and then after an hour they started cooking (the women) and the husband started showing us a lot of pictures from their hindu wedding (which was incredibly interesting!). Then food was ready - but they only made the table for 2 persons. "aren't you going to eat with us?" we asked, but they said No, they would have dinner later, this food was for us. Which was a little bit weird, they served us food and looked at us eating it but didn't sit with us or joined us. The food was delicious though, and I really enjoyed to get some real bengali home made cooking!

They were very very nice and insisted on driving us home (it was just a 3 minutes walk) and afterwards I got a text message saying "thank you so much for visiting us, we really enjoyed it, please come back soon!" Haha so yes, it was very pleasant, and very different.

Every day so many things happen, you experience so much, it's crazy. But I really think you also get a little bit wiser for every day here :)

Now it's time for dinner, one of the volunteers is celebrating his birthday today.

Ciao!

Donnobadh, Dhaki!

Idag kom jag hem igen fran Dhaki - en av vara outdoor-kliniker ca 3-4 timmar fran Kalkutta. Ett par volontarer aker dit varje onsdag och stannar till fredagen. Pa onsdagen jobbar man i kliniken, och som vanligt ar det injektioner, saromlaggningar och blodtryckscheckar som gors. I onsdags hade vi over 500 patienter!!! Darmed jobbade vi konstant i tre och en halv timme utan paus, med svetten som bara rann och rann och rann. Det later kanske inte sa farligt med tre och en halv timme, men i 37 graders hetta ar det ratt tufft att halla tungan ratt i mun och orka ta patient efter patient efter patient. Till slut vid fyratiden var vi klara och fick en valbehovd lunch!

Under dagen hade man haft en invigningsceremoni for en ny microcredit-bank i Dhaki, och pa kvallen ordnade man ett band som spelade fran scenen - de kallade det hela for "cultural show". Managern for Dhaki sjong en sang fran Japan (han har varit utbytesstudent dar) och sen bad han oss europeer att sjunga. Sa jag fick aterigen stiga upp och sjunga Summertime och Quand je bois du vin clairet (tur att de inte kan franska!!! haha men de alskade den sangen, for att den ar sa klapp- och trallvanlig. Att dricka alkohol ar dock strangt forbjudet ;)

Det var i alla fall en jattetrevlig kvall! Dag tva akte vi med deras bat till en av oarna dar vi besokte en skola (aterigen utan elever! Men jag hade ju i alla fall fatt beskada de sota sma liven forra gangen jag akte till Dhaki) och pa eftermiddagen besokte vi byns "womens peace council". Detta ar en grupp kvinnor (11 stycken) som av var organisation IIMC har fatt denna anstallning som peace council member. De mots tre timmar per dag dar de sitter och laser tidningen, diskuterar nutida problem och framdfor allt women empowerment. Deras uppgift ar aven att hjalpa till att losa konflikter runtom i byn (darav namnet peace council) och vanligen bestar dessa av brak mellan man och hustru eller liknande.

Ett exempel var en kvinnas vars man kom hem full och slog henne gul och bla. Darefter lamnade hon deras hem, flyttade till slaktingar och talade med womens peace council. I dessa kretsar ar skilsmassa inget alternativ, sa vad som skedde var att alla medlemmarna i womens peace council foljde med kvinnan hem till hennes man, och dar medlade de mellan de bada parterna och mannen lovade att inte sla sin hustru igen. Happy ever after??? Jag tvivlar starkt pa det, men detta anses vara ett mycket lyckat fall for womens peace council, och liknande tvister loser de upp vecka efter vecka.

Vi hade manga fragor, men pa grund av en mycket bristfallig tolk gick det inte att fa nagra svar. Vi ville veta hur de andra, folket, i byn saf pa dem, ifall de var accepterade och respekterade (bara for att IIMC har instiftat gruppen betyder det inte att alla mannen i byn anser att de har nagon ratt att stampa in i deras "privata angelagenheter") och det var ytterst svart att fa reda pa vad de arbetade med for tillfallet...

Men det var andock en mycket trevlig upplevelse, de sjong nagra indiska sanger for oss och an en gang var vi tvungna att sjunga nagra sanger for dem. De var otroligt varma och karleksfulla och gastvanliga, och det marktes att de uppskattade vart besok...!

Och det maste jag da saga - jag har klagat pa att Indien inte ar som Sri Lanka, att jag inte kanner samma varme eller karlek fran manniskorna har som jag gjorde i Sri Lanka. Pa gatorna i Kalkutta finns bara brak och stok, skrik och gral, smuts och skabb och elande....

Men ute pa landsbygden i Dhaki, dar IIMC har starkt fotfaste och hjalper befolkningen med halsokliniker, skolor, microcredit och womens peace council, och dar de vet vilka vi ar - dar fick jag uppleva den indiska karleken som jag letat efter!

Visst ar folk fortfarande otroligt hogljudda och skrapar ner overallt. Men det finns ett stilla lunk dar ute pa landsbygden, de jobbar med sina fiskebatar eller pa sina risfalt, de sjunger och de dansar och de tar hand om varandra. Kokerskan dar vi bodde var sa otroligt varm och hjartlig, gav en sma karleksfulla nyp i kinden eller midjan och skrattade hela tiden :) och alla man som arbetar dar var artiga och gentlemannamassiga. Kvinnorna i womens peace council visade en otrolig varme och gladje over att vi var dar och besokte dem, och bjod pa te, samosas och kakor men vagrade att vi skulle betala nagonting (you are our very fine guests!)

Ladies and gentleman, for you very kind information, the autovehicle is coming soon. Det var dags att aka hem till Kalkutta igen efter ett par uppfriskande dagar pa landsbygden (aven om det var stekande hett och nastan 40 grader) och vi njot av det grona grona grona pa vagen till tagstationen. Denna gangen hade jag lyckats att spendera hela Dhakivistelsen utan att bli sjuk, och det var underbart :)

Donnobad, Dhaki! (Thank you Dhaki!)

Nu ar det dags att ta sig ut i Kalkuttavimlet igen, vi ska ata middag och sen ga pa bio och se en akta bollywood blockbuster. Och imorgon kvall ska vi ut och dansa dansa! Spannande spannande :)

Tllbaka fran Darjeeling!

Sa var man tillbaka fran Darjeeling... Vilken underbar plats! Visserligen ordentligt turistigt, men oh sa vackert...

Det var verkligen skont att fa komma bort fran Kalkutta i nagra dagar. Det har varit Durge Puja - festival - har i tio dagar nu vilket har gjort att den redan fullpackade staden blev tre ganger mer smockfull, och overallt har det varit konstant trangsel pa gatorna och trummor och musik hela dagarna. Varje morgon klockan halv fem har trummorna pa gatorna startat, och sedan hallt pa med jamna mellanrum under hela dagarna. Dessutom konstant "hello, hello, testing testing" i hogtalarna, innan de borjar skrika ut sina budskap, monologer som pagar i timmar...!!!

Jag har aldrig varit med om manniskor sa hogljudda som indierna har i Kolkata! Darfor var det sa skont att fa komma till Darjeeling dar tempot ar langsammare, bilarna farre och luften hundra ganger friskare. Utsikten var breath taking beautiful, och det var skont att vistas i 15-20 graders-klimat istallet for 35 grader.

Det var ocksa valdigt spannande att promenera runt pa de sma sma vagarna i Darjeeling, och besoka de buddhistiska tempel som finns lite har och dar. Den buddhistiska narvaron ar stor i Darjeeling, och de flesta invanarna ar av nepalesiskt ursprung. Sa jag fick ingen anvandning av mina fina bengali-meningar :) (trots att vi fortfarande befann oss i west bengal..!)

Sedan Kina invaderade Tibet har manga tibetanska flyktingar kommit till Darjeeling. Dar fanns fortfarande ett sakallat "refugee-center" dar sota gubbar och gummor fran tibet fortfarande bor, och dar de sitter och tillverkar mattor och klader och lite andra prylar som de sedan saljer. Det var verkligen spannande att fa se pa hur de vaver garn, fran scratch, fran ull, och sedan tillverkar klader och mattor och liknande. Kunde inte lata bli att handla lite saker i deras shop, kanns bra!

Nagot som inte kanns sa bra ar att atervanda till smutsiga stokiga och sa otroligt fattiga Kalkutta - the city of hell. Det kanns i alla fall skont att vi genom att jobba pa kliniken faktiskt hjalper till och forsoker bidra for ett battre liv for dessa manniskor. Det var verkligien spannande att fa sitta med var gynekolog haromdagen - modrahalsovarden har ar inte i narheten av varken den halsovard som erbjuds i Sverige (saklart) men aven i Sri Lanka!!! Det var knappt att hon matte fundushojden pa magen, hon lyssnade inte pa fostrets hjartljud med en doppler (forran jag fragade om de itne hade nagon, da plockades den fram och darefter fick jag sta och lyssna pa alla fosterhjartljud)... det enda vettiga som gjordes var att modrarna fick sina injektioner och vaccinationer for att skydda dem fran framtida komplikationer.

Hmm ja nu ska jag snart till Dhaki igen, langt ute pa landsbygden. Ska pa satt och vis bli skont att fa komma bort fran staden igen, samtidigt som min vistelse i Dhaki forra gangen inte var den basta precis (!) Men men forhoppningsvis lyckas jag halla mig frisk denna gangen :)

Manga kramar pa er dar hemma!

Kemon atcho? Bhalo naa. Mondo!

Antligen kan jag srkiva igen. Aterigen har sa otroligt mycket hant!

Kan borja med att beratta att jag blev ordentligt sjuk. Antagligen berodde det pa att jag at kyckling haromdagen, men jag vet inte sakert. Omojligt att veta, allting ar sa smutsigt har!!!

Vi akte till Dhaki som ligger langt ute pa visjan, nere vid havet (men glom att det finns nagon strand ;) mitt ute i ingenstans, otroligt vackert men oh sa fattigt. Forsta dagen jobbade vi lite pa kliniken, innan det var dags att besoka en av IIMC-projektets skolor. Det avr en liten primary school och for att komma dit var man tvungen att promenera ett par timmar.... I LERA!

Vi var tvungna att ga barfota i lera upp till anklarna, i borjan var det mest underhallande, men efter att ha halkat runt pa smala leriga stigar i tva timmar i regnet var vi mindre roade. Och itne blev det battre av att nar vi kom fram (vissa helt leriga da de hade ramlat flera ganger) sa var skolan stangd, alla eleverna hade hunnit ga hem och den enda som fanns kvar var en bengalilarare som inte pratade engelska...!!! Vi trodde att vi skulle fa lunch dar, klockan var da tre pa eftermiddagen, men icke sa nicke.... Darefter skulle vi snallt traska hela vagen tillbaka i morkret (vilket vi totalvagrade) sa halva vagen fick vi aka pa ett moppeflak och andra halvan fick vi aterigen traska i leran. Klockan 17.30 kom vi tillbaka och fick lunch... Trodde aldrig jag skulle bli ren igen efter detta. Men nu i efterhand ar det ju verkligen en upplevelse att minnas ;)

Samma kvall blev jag sjuk. Nagon form av tarmbakterie hade jag fatt, antagligen nagra dagar tidigare da jag at kyckling men jag vet inte sakert, allt ar sa smutsigt har!!!

Men vi var alltsa ute mitt i ingenstans, dar regnet bara oste ner liknande monsun, ingen elektricitet och inget vatten. och jag med kraftig diarree och feber. Not so much fun! Vattnet som man kunde kopa pa flaska i byn tog ocksa slut, sa jag blev snabbt uttorkad vilket nog inte hjalpte pa symptomen. Vid bara asynen av mat borjade jag klokas, sa i tre dagar levde jag pa brod, vatten och supersott te med mariekex (som de ater kolossala mangder av har???). Vi hade dock en trevlig kvall dar vi i skenet av ficklampor och batteridrivna lyktor satt och sjong omsom vasterlandska omsom indiska sanger. Jag blev tvingad att sjunga en sanmg pa svenska, och efter det blev det en hel del fler solosanger vilket ju alltid ar kul att fa lite uppskattning :)

Den tredje dagen hade jag ingen feber, men var allmant svag och det borjade klia kraftigt i ogat. det var dags att aka vidare och vi akte till en skola med jattejattesota sma barn som lekte och dansade infor oss.Darefter skulle vi aka buss till tagstationen darifran vi skulle kunna aka hem till kalkutta. Bussen var i sjalva verket en jeep, som var overfull, sa vi var tvungna ATT SITTA PA TAKET (det fanns ingen annan utvag!) vilket var livsfarligt men ocksa ratt skoj ;) eftersom att jag knappt hade atit eller druckit pa tva dagar sa klarade jag mig utan toalettbesok och val pa tagstationen kopte vi biljetter till taget som skulle avga efter en timme. Detta innebar en timmes uthardande av massor massor med fattiga manniskor och barn som trangde sig pa oss, knuffade varandra in i  oss, drog i oss, for att vi skulle ge dem pengar eller mat. Det var fruktansvart, bade for oss och det faktum att bevittna dessa stackars manniskor som dessutom totalt saknar vardighet eller hyfs pa grund av sitt odragliga liv, ett liv som ingen manniska borde fa uppleva och som man onskar att man hade kunnat hjalpa.

Val hemma brot min ogoninfektion ut ordentligt och snart kunde jag inte se pa det ena ogat. Bada ogonen var otroligt svullna och illroda, med massor av var och annat smatt och gott....! Och sen sjalvklart var det bedbugs i min sang, vilket jag pa natten fick flera bett av. och hudutslag, har abslout ingen aning om vad de ar...!

Men men
Nu har jag i alla fall kunnat vila upp mig, jag har en riktigt ordentlig ciprofloxacinkur mot magen (som jag har lite biverkningar av men men) och antibiotikaogondroppar. har fatt byta sang och rum och inatt sov jag i alla fall fem timmar och inga fler bett :)

Trots allt detta kanner jag inte att jag vill hem. Det ar en otrolig trygghet att ha alla andra volontarer runt mig, alla har varit otroligt omtanksamma, hjalpt mig med det ena och det andra. Nu nar jag snart ar frisk ser jag fram emot att fortsatta mitt jobb har som volontar (det har kommit nagra fler fall pa kliniken nu som ar riktigt intressanta, men ocksa riktigt laskiga. vad sags om en misstankt leprapatient? eller tva barn med stora bolder pa huvudet, som varar och bloder, men som ingen av lakarna kan lista ut vad det ar?)

Jag ser ocksa verkligen fram emot denna helgen, redan pa onsdag ska vi ta taget till Darjeeling, dar vi spenderar tre dagar. Dar ska vara 8-10 grader varmt om kvallarna (oops har verkligen inte klader for det!) uppe vi bergen, gransar till bhutan och nepal, ioch ska vara otroligt vackert. Langtar!

Det ar valdigt skont att komma fran Kalkutta. Det ar den galnaste platsen jag varit pa, liknande Bangladesh. Inget ar enkelt, ingenting gar smidigt. Det finns inga riktiga affarer, bara tusentals sma stand som saljer diverse varor utmed gatorna. Det finns knappt nagra riktiga restauranger eller cafeer, aterigen bara sma skjul med trabankar utmed gatorna. Det ar fattigt fattigt fattigt. Och smutsigt smutsigt smutsigt. Extremt mycket trafik, konstant buller, och massa massa avgaser. Om du snyter dig ar det svart i nasduken, och duschvattnet fargas svart efter en dag pa stan.

Overallt springer det omrking losa hundar och halvnakna fattiga barn. Manga barn vill bara springa fram och halsa, sag hello och ta i hand. Men manga andra forsoker tigga eller stjala fran dig och vissa dagar ar det svart att behalla sitt talamod.

Aker du buss eller tag eller metro, sa far du slass for att ta dig in och oftast far du inte sitta utan star och trangs med alla andra, packade som sillar i 35 graders hetta. Alla skriker och skaller pa varandra, och armbagar varandra i ryggen.

Det finns dock sma solglimtar. Nar patienten besvarar ditt bhalo oieegatchee (bra, fardigt) med en tacksam nick. Nar en man pa taget reser sig for att ge dig en sittplats, nar en ung kvinna pa bussen ger dig ett varmt leende, eller nar ett barn springer fram och tar din hand och ropar 'hello, my name is, my name is!" och sen snallt gar tillbaka till sina mammor. Eller som varje dag da vi gar till jobbet pa kliniken, och skolbarnen springer fram och ber om ens autograf, och sen gar vi hand i hand pa vagen och sjunger sanger. Da trivs jag! :)

Eller nar vi volontarer sitter tillsammans pa taket pa vart hus och dricker ol och pratar strunt om kvallarna. Och varje morgon, som jag borjar med ett yogapass och meditation pa taket och sen njuter v min skal med musli och mjolk! Och bara det faktum, att trots det kaos som rader runt en, konstant, dag som natt, sa ar man inte stressad. Det finns ingen tid att passa, man har inget plugg man ligger efter med. Frihet!

I forrgar lod samtalet sahar: "Kemon atcho? Bhalo naa. Mondo! (Hur gar det? Inte bra. Daligt!)

Idag ar det:

The sun will come out, tomorrow!

The sun will come out, tomorrow,
bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, 
there'll be sun.
Just thinking about tomorrow,
washes away the cobwebs and all sorrow,
til there's none.
When I'm stuck with a day that's grey and lonely,
I stick out with my chin and grin and say:
Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love you tomorrow,
you're always a day away....

Kerona, Kerona, Ami tomay bolabassi

Oj oj oj...

Sa mycket att beratta sa jag vet inte var jag ska borja... (!)

Men kortfattat sa har detta hant de senaste dagarna:

1, Jag har halsat pa mitt och Eriks fadderbarn har utanfor Kolkata, i en liten liten by i ett litet litet hus (kanske 2*3 meter) med en gemensam sang och en stol. Maten lagar de utanfor huset. Var lilla fadderflicka heter Superna (uttalas Tjupperna) och ar 12 ar och jattejattesot! :) Men jatteblyg, hon vagade knappt saga ett ord... Hennes favoritfarg ar vit (inte sa konstigt, for INGENTING forblir vitt i Indien!) och hennes favoritamne i skolan ar engelska (fast hon kunde inte saga nagot pa engelska...) och hon vill bli larare nar hon blir stor. Hon har en papegoja och en kanin som sallskapsdjur, och langt har upprullat i flator! Det var verkligen rolgt att fa traffa henne. Jag o Erik betalar hennes skolgang genom att donera 200 kr per manad. Kanns verkligen bra att se att pengarna kommer till ratta och inte som man far hora om sa manga organisationer dar pengarna bara forsvinner ut im tomma intet (eller ner i andras fickor)...

Nagot som var minre kul, men nu i efterhand ar en liten anekdot vard att minnas, var att var bil slutade fungera dar ute, mitt ute i ingenstans pa landsbygden, flera mil pa smavagar fran Kolkata. De ringde till IIMC (organisationen dar jag jobbar) och de lovade att komma med en ny bil - et tog tva timmar! Under tiden satt vi pa bilens tak och lyssnade pa vilda hundar som skall och djungelljud. Lite laskigt! :) sen blev vi inbjudna till en av bybornas hus dar vi fick sitta pa en sang och vanta, under tien serverade de oss cha (the) och snacks (sa nu kommer jag efinitivt bli magsjuk sa det skvatter om et!)

Till slut gick vi ut igen och satt pa grasmattan, lyssnade pa nattsyrsorna och beunrae eldflugornas dans i traden, ratt mysigt anda, och eftersom att bilen till slut kom sa slutae hela historien lyckligt ;)

2, jag har varit pa sight-seeing i Kalkutta. Bland annat sett pa nar de tillverkat stora statyer infor den stora festivalen durga puja (en flera dagar lang festival och ledighet liknande var jul med tanda lyktor och en massa statyer overallt) och jag har tillsammans med de andra gatt vilse i stan och hamnat mitt i ett monsunliknande regn, utan paraply :/

3, Jag har fortsatt jobba saklart. Varje dag nar vi kommer till "jobbet" sa mots vi av en skock skolbarn som alla vill halsa, ta i hand, och fa autografer, otroligt gulligt ;) alla nya volontarer har kommit sa jag fick lara upp dem det lilla jag kunde. men det verkar ha gatt bra. Tyvarr har lakaren in charge har utsett mig till volontaransvarig (varfor alltid ag? jag ville verkligen inte! kan man aldrig fa vara ledig?) sa nu fragar alla mig, HELA tiden, om itt och datt och forvantar sig att jag ska veta allt. hmmmm men men what to do. Eftersom att jag ar en person som jag ar sa vet jag ju ocksa det mesta de fragar om, eftersom jag alltid ska ha kontroll pa tillvaron.

4, imorgon bitti ska jag aka med kliniken till Dhaki, som ligger 3 timmar soder om Kalkutta i ett reservat for tigrar (typ). alltsa vi havet! ska verkligen bli harligt medfrisk luft, kanner redan att Kalkuttas smog och avgaser har forgiftat mina lungor. (Har dessutom hunnit med en magsjuka, en forkylning, en hudinfektion) I dhaki kommer vi att jobba som vanligt, men sen stanna ytterligare tva dagar for att besoka projektets skolor och liknande som finns dar. Ska bli kul! Och nasta vecka ska vi till Darjeeling! Ska verkligen bli kul - det ligger uppe i bergen pa flera tusen meters hojd, och kommer definitivt bli en riktig naturupplevelse :)

5, hjag har bokat min flygbiljett viare till Trivandrum! Underbart, nu kan jag annu mer se fram emot min yogasemester. Jag gor visserligen yoga varje morgon, ca 30-45 minuter, men det blir en annan sak att vara i ett tempel, och sen ett par veckor pa stranden ar ju aldrig fel... (!)

Det var allt for idag, nu dags for bengali - lektion!

och till er alla dar hemma:

Kerona, Kerona, Ami tomay bolabassi
(don't cry, don't cry, I love you!)

Bouscho!

Sa har man jobbat annu en dag pa kliniken. Idag har jag gett injektion efter injektion efter injektion efter injektion. och sen tagit blodtryck efter blodtryck efter blotryck...! man blir ratt sa slut efter ett tag, i 35 graders hetta.

Brojar lara mig en del bengali-ord! sant som man maste kunna for att de ska forsta, de pratar ju inte engelska.... som ligg ned, sitt ned, goddag, tack, vad heter du, bra, osv. ikvall ska vi ha var forsta bengalilektion, det ska vara 5 totalt varav en bestar av att lara sig laga bengalisk mat dvs vi ska sta o laga var middag tillsammans i koket med var larare. blir kul!

Pa mandag ska jag traffa mitt o eriks faderbarn Superna, ska verkligen bli spannande att se hur hon bor. Och hur hon ser ut nu! har ju bara ett foto fran flera ar sen....



Mer om boendet:

Vi bor RIKTIGT spartanskt !!! En av killarna hade bott pa hotell i darjeeling for 200 rupees (40 kr) per natt och sa att et var rena rama lyxen jamfort med hur vi bor har... (som vi betalar 1500 kr for)

Vi bor i ett hus med rattor och kackerlackor i koket, jag bor pa andra vaningen dr jag delar ett pyttepyttelitet rum med tre andra. Overallt i rummet hanger det klader eftersom att det inte finns nagon garderob elelr byra (eller plats for det heller) och det ar valdigt valigt smutsigt. Forsokt stada lite med svart da vi inte har fonster med glas, utan utan glas sa allt damm blaser ratt in.

Som tur ar har vi myggnat (slitna o skitiga men anda) och en flakt (som later som en traktor, men inte sa farligt me oronproppar.)

Sangen ar stenhard med en tunntunn madrass, sa det ar omojligt att ligga pa sidan.

vi ar 15 som delar pa fyra WC/dusch med rinnande kallvatten

(inklusive rattor o kackerlackor saklart)

som sagt, allting valdigt spartanskt o smutsigt, men det funkar! daremot ska jag nog unna mig ett bra hotell min forsta hotellnatt i Kerala, sa att jag kan fa mig en ordntlig dusch och sova i en riktig sang :)

Men nu borjar jag vanja mig vi livet har, de anra volontarerna ar jattebra och trevliga, och imorse uppteckte jag till min stora stora lycka att jag kunde gora yoga pa hustaket! Pa morgonen ar halva taket i skuggan, sa jag gjorde en halvtimmes yoga imorse innan frukost, och det har gjort att jag kanner mig mycket battre idag. Dt ar som balsam for sjalen att satta pa enya i horlurarna och sen bara fokusera pa yogan innan frukost.

Men men nu far det vara nog, nu ska jag konversera lite med de nya volontarerna som kom idag (en hel hog!) e verkar vara valdigt trevliga i alla fall :)
 
Bouscho! (sitt ner!)

Namaskar!

Nu ar jag alltsa frame I Kalkutta, och har borjat mitt arbete som volontar. Jag, som trodde att jag var beredd pa et mesta efter att ha varit i Sri Lanka i tre veckor , blev chockad over en extrema fattigom som rader har... Allting ar smutsigt, et ar varmt och fuktigt, det luktar konstant ruttet lik, det ar sa mycket avgaser att lungorna lar vara helt svarta efter ett par manader har, och ja.... Det ar inget paradis direkt.

Samtidigt sager de som har jobbat har ett tag som volontarer att de alskar et och att de inte vill aka hem. Att man efter ett tag inte langre ser smutsen, att man glommer myggbettens sveda, att man struntar i alla hudinfektioner man drar pa sig och helt enkelt slutar duscha. Och alskar det!

Jag vet inte jag... Absolut kommer jag vanja mig, men duschen ar HELT KLART min basta van!!! 

Jag trodde jag levt spartanskt nar jag varit i Thailand och Sri Lanka. Det ar ignenting mot detta! ‚“kliniken“ dar jag jobbar har knappt tval eller toapapper inne pa toaletterna. Det ar smutsigt och trasigt precis overallt. Ibland ingen flakt i taket, och absolut inte en tillstymmelse till Aircondition. Men samtidigt, sa lange jag bara kan halla mig sjalv hyfsat ren sa ar et ok, ratt befriande faktiskt. Och man vanjer ju sig...

Samtidigt forstar jag inte hur dessa fantastiska indiska kvinnor kan halla sig sa skinande rena och vackra hela dagarna! Som en av mina kollegor har sa – vi ser ut som att vi inte bytt klader pa en vecka och de ser ut som att de nyss kommit ur duschen och tagit pa sig nyinkopta strukna klader. Helt otroligt...! De bor val ungefar som vi gor (snarare samre) flera stycken I ett litet rum, smutsigt och dant.

An sa lange har jag inte blivit magsjuk men det ar bara en fraga om tid. Varje dag ater vi av minimala matstallen utmed gatan (dar vi bor och jobbar finns det inga restauranger) dar en lunch kostar ungefar 4 kronor. Och vi dricker te o kaffe av deras vanliga vatten (knappast kokat)... Det verkar inte som att folk ater gronsaker har, utan det som finns att tillga ar ris, dhal, nudlar och agg...! De flesta volontarer blir magsjuka efter ett par dagar, men efter en vecka brukar de bli ok igen och sen halla sig nagorlunda friska resten av tiden. Haller tummarna! :)

Men men

Sjalva arbetet...

Igar var min forsta riktiga dag som jobbande volontar, och vi akte da ut fran kliniken till till en out-door clinic en halvtimmes bilfard fran var in-door clinic.

Outdoor clinic bestod av ett hus utan glasrutor for fonstren, inga flaktar i taket, ingen toalett, ingen elektricitet, inget rinnande vatten.... (!) och dar tog vi emot patienter som skulle fa injektioner, ta blodtryck och lade om sar och behandlade hudinfektioner... det ar en hog andel hudinfektioner, massor med ringorm, svamp, bakteriella infektioner osv. osv. man blir latt lite freaky och kanner att det borjar klia precis overallt... har man blivit smittad???! Haha, men men, jag kanner igen kliandet m.m. fran sri lanka, et blir sa nar man vistas i denna hettan/fuktigheten utan att kunna tvatta sig under dagen. en sak ar i alla fall helt saker - duschen hemma ar min basta van!

Idag har jag varit in-door, dvs pa sjalva kliniken. Har har vi ca 15 patienter som alla lider av olika hudakommor och undernaring,. ingen har livshotande tillstand utan ar stabila, och behover darfor ingen avancera sjukhusvar. et yttersta ansvaret har de tva lakarna som ar anstallda har, och jag ska snart ga rond med en av em och diskutera patienterna.

Man fragar sig ibland hur mycket nytta man gor for patienterna. Out-door tvattar vi deras sar och lagger pa salva, men inget forband. tva sekuner senare gar de ut i smutsen igen och efter en timme eller tva lar det vara som ifall de alrig fick nagon salva over huvud taget. Daremot tror jag att vi gor stor nytta for vara in-door patienter! De har boene, naringsrik mat varje dag, och salvor och eventuellt mediciner. de har tillgang till dusch och toalett, aven tval, och de blir ordentligt omhandertagna i en vecka eller tva... De maste betala en liten symbolisk summa, men det ar nastan gratis.

et enda man kan kanna ar att Hey! Har har vi 15 patienter som far vard av oss for att de inte har rad med nagot annat! Men det bor 20 miljoner invanare i Kalkutta, allsta en stad som har dubbla antalet invanare an i sverige. crazy! so what difference do we make?

men nej, sa ska man inte tanka. Man far inte glomma att varje manniskoliv ar vardefullt! och varje person man hjalper gor man lite nytta, aven om det bara ar en minimal insats varldshistoriskt sett :)

Nu ska jag snart ga rond, men lovar att skriva regelbundet.

Namaskar!